Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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