why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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