She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
