Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
