I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
