you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Randomize
