don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
