oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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