we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Found your dick twin last night
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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