zippers are such a cool invention
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
