shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
