There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
