Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
