My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
