I wish my penis had an off switch
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
