last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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