Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
