On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
