My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
