Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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