The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
