By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
