Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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