I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
