so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
