You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
