there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
