we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
