u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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