The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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