Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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