Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
