I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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