Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
