He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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