You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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