seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
