EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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