Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
40s are totally the cure
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
