Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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