He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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