My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
