I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
