Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
