there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
