For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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