3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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