Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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