I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
