Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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