I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
