happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
